Crying over spilt milk

Fallin in LOVE is so easy especially when you wear your heart on your sleeve.  A kind word, a look, a touch, even a kiss it is so easy.  Heart break can be a killer.  I actually felt it break this time.  A friend for six years came looking for me one day about six months ago.  I had been putting him off because he was married.  I didn't want to be nothing but friends and he wanted more.  I told him, if I couldn't have it all then I didn't want nothing.  We didn't talk or see each other for along time.  Well he started calling me again, and I wouldn't answer his calls.  Well I finnally answered his call and told him I would meet him at Wal-Mart at 5:30 in the morning when I got off work. Public place.  We met and he told me he was getting a divorce.  I just listened to everything he said.  I told him I was sorry but I was so excited.  I really liked this man.  I think he was shocked.
We started seeing each other and I seen the divorce go through.  I thought to myself maybe after all this time, something good was going to happen.  He has a beautiful house with horses (something I have dreamed of all my life), just a life filled with dreams and possibilities.  We became close and I fell in love. 
He is a hard worker and loves to work.  Well the closer I got the further away he became.  I wasn't pushing, just enjoying our time together.  He enjoyed being around the kids and grandbabies.  I never told him I Loved him, but I guess he could tell.  Sometimes it would be weeks before I would hear from him.  I tried to give him all the space he needed.  Just getting a divorce and everything.   He was at the house one day, just stopped by, said he had been sick all weekend, which I could tell he didn't feel good, but then he got a call.  I could hear a voice on the other end, it was a female and she asked him if he wanted to come to dinner, as he was walking out of my house.  I guess he didn't know I heard.  This was on a Sunday.  He left, the next day he did call me and made the excuse that the person that called was a worker calling in sick and that HE quit that day.  I made the comment that I heard a female asking him to dinner......He stated nooooooo, it was the guy from work.  Well I didn't say anything else.  I just let it go. 
 Then his father passed away and he went to California for a week.  I kept check on his house and the horses for him while he was gone.  He called me just about everyday.  Well when he got back, even from the airport, he came to my house.   The next day his daughter had her baby, (I know going through alot with divorced, death and first grandbaby, believe me I totally understood)  I even told him I didn't know how he was handling everything, that I was hear if he needed to talk.  I new he had alot on his mind and was very busy with catch up.  Yard, horses, house, work and a new baby, so I didn't bother him.  I didn't hear from him for over a week.
This man is the sweetest person, would do anything for you if he could.   It would be another week before I heard from him again and then it came to today.
 He asked me out to lunch today.  I went but I had a feeling of what was going to happen.....We went in and ordered and then sit down.  Well he always sits beside me no matter what.  I went to the other side of the table, he said Oh don't want me to sit by you, and sit beside me anyway.  We chit chat, and had lunch.  We got up to leave, and when we got the vehicles he hugged and kissed me.  My knees just melted.  Then we started talking about everything else.  I made the statement "Yeah, I started to come bang on your door just to get to see", his eyes got real big and I said, "I'm just kidding, I would never do that with out an invitation".  Then the knife came out, and he stated "I can't", "I don't want to hurt you".  "My ex wasn't perfect, but neither was I".  My heart fell to my knees.  He said there was many times he wanted to come spend time with me but just couldn't. 
Why is what I am asking......I don't understand.......He hunted me down, Is this why they say men are from Mars and women are from Venus.  ( I have got to read that book) 
All I know is I was as good to this man as he was to me.  I just know that I deserve better or nothing, only God knows.  Maybe I have had my chance at love with my ex, who knows.

Life Lessons Learned

How does time get by so quick? I can remember being a kid and could not wait for summer or Christmas vacation. As I get older, it seems the days just fly by. I don't look forward to getting old and knowing that I want be here someday. I know I look forward to heaven and seeing Daddy and Grandma again. I just don't look forward to leaving my family. I have raised my boys pretty much by myself. I did the best I could. I wish I had did alot of things different but life lessons learned. I thought raising boys would be easy but I can tell you it was at first, until they get grown and have families. You would think that they would do the right thing, but I guess its life lessons learned. My boys says I want to control everything, but that is not the case. I just want the best for them. I don't want them to have to go through what I went through, but again its life lessons learned. I have to let go and don't know how, but I am determined. I wish for them the best and pray everyday that the lessons they learn is not as hard on them as it was for me. I love both of them with all my heart. I just hope the LIFE LESSONS LEARNED is not too late for me to see them happy and doing for their kids what I did for them. Life lessons learned.

Pampering Yourself.

I come to realize that if I don't take care of myself, no one ever will.  I am so busy working two jobs, keeping house, mowing yards...more than one, keeping grand babies (which I love), that I don't take time for me.  If I ever have any extra money I usually spend it on the babies or my sons, what is up with that.  Well my birthday this year I decided to treat myself.  I went and had my nails done, I have actually got nails now.  They look great.  The other day I was cleaning and broke one of them, leave it to me, so I went to have it repaired.  While I was sitting there waiting, I was watching the women get pedicures.  It looked so relaxing, so I splurged and had one.  Let me tell you it was wonderful.  The chair was a massaging chair, so I got a massage and a pedicure all at once.  The girl massage my feet and legs and painted my toe nails.  I made the comment (I wouldn't be worth a poot when I left) they just smiled.  It was great, so I recommend that you take time for yourself and be pampered.  Make yourself happy and you will make others happy.

Forgiveness

Love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
-1 Peter 4:8. Amen!

Love is something that you share, give away, and receive.  Forgiveness is forgivenesss.  God forgives us everyday, and Jesus died for our sins.  Don't hold a grudge, Love everyone everyday. (or atleast smile like you do, you would be surprise who will smile back at you).... God does.

Air Conditioner

Today was a very hot day but a good day.  I had to have a new central heat and air unit put in.  I work with a guy that does it on the side so I hired him to put one in for me.  He came by early and took some measurements and left to get the unit.  Working nights I went to bed.  After a few hours I got up and he was busy wiring the unit.  I got to meet his very nice wife and enjoyed talking to the both of them for awhile.  I work a different shift than this person so don't have the chance to talk or see him very often.  Him and his wife is a delight.  I am very thankful for the opportunity to get to meet and talk to them.  Thank you again for the great job, it feels wonderful in my house.

Going without an air conditioner is miserable.  I feel for the ones that have to work out in this heat.  I just don't see how anyone does it, but then I remember growing up without one.  I remember the fans in the windows, sleeping on the front porch, sitting by the creek and sweet iced tea.  Maybe it wasn't as hot back then, I don't know, or maybe it was because I was so young and carefree.  I just know that I can not go without one now.  Maybe its the hot flashes or just getting older but I do know that I love my air conditioner.  I guess you can say I am alittle spoiled. 

Dinner

Today was a good day.  I was craving Chineese and decided to invite my family to go with me.  Matt, Heather, and little Maddie was there.  Michael and his friend came along also.  Everyone was talking, laughing and enjoying a good meal together.  Love is so unconditional, no matter how mad or upset we get at each other, we can always say we Love each other.  Special times like this one is so important to me, the kids think I am silly but they will realize one day just what I am talking about.

I remember the times with my family as we sit down for a meal.  One time really stands out in my mind was when I was about 10 years old.  We were having dinner and me and my sisters were watching my dad eat.  For some reason we thought it was the most funniest thing, that when he chewed his food his ears would move....lol.  We could not hold it back.  Dad of course didn't have any ideal what we were laughing about.  He got upset and sent us away from the table.  It wasn't too long that he allowed us to come back, only until we started laughing again.  We were so silly, but its moments like that, we cherish now when we remember them. 

Love everyday the best that you can, if its just a hug, a smile, a touch, a talk on the phone. 

Another Day

I come to relize at the age of 52, its never too young to fall in Love.  Some times its feels like the very first time, then again, I hold myself back from letting it all out.  I am cautious.