Crying over spilt milk

Fallin in LOVE is so easy especially when you wear your heart on your sleeve.  A kind word, a look, a touch, even a kiss it is so easy.  Heart break can be a killer.  I actually felt it break this time.  A friend for six years came looking for me one day about six months ago.  I had been putting him off because he was married.  I didn't want to be nothing but friends and he wanted more.  I told him, if I couldn't have it all then I didn't want nothing.  We didn't talk or see each other for along time.  Well he started calling me again, and I wouldn't answer his calls.  Well I finnally answered his call and told him I would meet him at Wal-Mart at 5:30 in the morning when I got off work. Public place.  We met and he told me he was getting a divorce.  I just listened to everything he said.  I told him I was sorry but I was so excited.  I really liked this man.  I think he was shocked.
We started seeing each other and I seen the divorce go through.  I thought to myself maybe after all this time, something good was going to happen.  He has a beautiful house with horses (something I have dreamed of all my life), just a life filled with dreams and possibilities.  We became close and I fell in love. 
He is a hard worker and loves to work.  Well the closer I got the further away he became.  I wasn't pushing, just enjoying our time together.  He enjoyed being around the kids and grandbabies.  I never told him I Loved him, but I guess he could tell.  Sometimes it would be weeks before I would hear from him.  I tried to give him all the space he needed.  Just getting a divorce and everything.   He was at the house one day, just stopped by, said he had been sick all weekend, which I could tell he didn't feel good, but then he got a call.  I could hear a voice on the other end, it was a female and she asked him if he wanted to come to dinner, as he was walking out of my house.  I guess he didn't know I heard.  This was on a Sunday.  He left, the next day he did call me and made the excuse that the person that called was a worker calling in sick and that HE quit that day.  I made the comment that I heard a female asking him to dinner......He stated nooooooo, it was the guy from work.  Well I didn't say anything else.  I just let it go. 
 Then his father passed away and he went to California for a week.  I kept check on his house and the horses for him while he was gone.  He called me just about everyday.  Well when he got back, even from the airport, he came to my house.   The next day his daughter had her baby, (I know going through alot with divorced, death and first grandbaby, believe me I totally understood)  I even told him I didn't know how he was handling everything, that I was hear if he needed to talk.  I new he had alot on his mind and was very busy with catch up.  Yard, horses, house, work and a new baby, so I didn't bother him.  I didn't hear from him for over a week.
This man is the sweetest person, would do anything for you if he could.   It would be another week before I heard from him again and then it came to today.
 He asked me out to lunch today.  I went but I had a feeling of what was going to happen.....We went in and ordered and then sit down.  Well he always sits beside me no matter what.  I went to the other side of the table, he said Oh don't want me to sit by you, and sit beside me anyway.  We chit chat, and had lunch.  We got up to leave, and when we got the vehicles he hugged and kissed me.  My knees just melted.  Then we started talking about everything else.  I made the statement "Yeah, I started to come bang on your door just to get to see", his eyes got real big and I said, "I'm just kidding, I would never do that with out an invitation".  Then the knife came out, and he stated "I can't", "I don't want to hurt you".  "My ex wasn't perfect, but neither was I".  My heart fell to my knees.  He said there was many times he wanted to come spend time with me but just couldn't. 
Why is what I am asking......I don't understand.......He hunted me down, Is this why they say men are from Mars and women are from Venus.  ( I have got to read that book) 
All I know is I was as good to this man as he was to me.  I just know that I deserve better or nothing, only God knows.  Maybe I have had my chance at love with my ex, who knows.

Life Lessons Learned

How does time get by so quick? I can remember being a kid and could not wait for summer or Christmas vacation. As I get older, it seems the days just fly by. I don't look forward to getting old and knowing that I want be here someday. I know I look forward to heaven and seeing Daddy and Grandma again. I just don't look forward to leaving my family. I have raised my boys pretty much by myself. I did the best I could. I wish I had did alot of things different but life lessons learned. I thought raising boys would be easy but I can tell you it was at first, until they get grown and have families. You would think that they would do the right thing, but I guess its life lessons learned. My boys says I want to control everything, but that is not the case. I just want the best for them. I don't want them to have to go through what I went through, but again its life lessons learned. I have to let go and don't know how, but I am determined. I wish for them the best and pray everyday that the lessons they learn is not as hard on them as it was for me. I love both of them with all my heart. I just hope the LIFE LESSONS LEARNED is not too late for me to see them happy and doing for their kids what I did for them. Life lessons learned.